You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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