I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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