she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
