I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
