i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He keeps bees of course he's weird
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
