the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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