do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
