Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
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