i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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