you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
