I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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