3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
