In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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