I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Someone signed my nipple.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
