oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
