I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
