Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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