I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
