I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
