We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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