You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
