My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize