Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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