Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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