I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My penis needs a shock collar
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
