Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
