i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
