I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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