she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
