mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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