I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
