broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
