It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
