I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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