I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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