I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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