im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Randomize