dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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