I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
