Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
