Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
