she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
