P.S. I can't hear my feet
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
