her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
