Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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