so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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