I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
