Ambien. No doubt about it.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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