we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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