And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
