i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
