you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize