im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
