The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
