The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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