I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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