he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize